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| Promise Yourself
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.
To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.
"Follow the light of the spirit in all things and depend upon God in all things, choose the living Christ as the pattern in all things and depend upon God in all things Do not seek the truth; seek the spirit of truth The spirit leads into all truth. To know the truth is to know the way.To be guided by the spirit into all truth is to walk in the light of the spirit all the way and the way of light leads into the kingdom of eternal life. Follow the words of the Christ until the spirit is found; then follow the spirit into the greater life of the Christ. Keep the eye single upon that light that is revealed through the spiritual vision of the soul. Where that light is shining there is the gate; beyond is the way that leads unto life, and all who are in the spirit shall find it even now"
- Christian D. Larson, THE PATHWAY OF ROSES
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| it's not complicated at all.
note to self if our subject are being brought up again:
you can't want to 'be with someone' and 'have hope' with that person while you are seeing someone else.
although figuratively speaking, it's cool. that, in terms of mind and heart, you belong to that person. but if you are, can you physically see someone else? if you can, isn't that cheating on yourself and the other person too? i mean, if you really want to be with someone, how could you see someone else?
loneliness and emptiness is just an excuse. we can all feel loneliness but we are never alone, not even since the day we are born.
i find this idea is too much a paradox and hypocrisy; that you want to be with someone but you can also see other ppl. based on the logic that, if you want to be with someone, you wouldn't want see anyone else. you would want no one but the person you want to be with. because no matter what you do with other people, you would just think of that person and you wouldn't want to hurt the one you want to be with. it is not logical at all to date other people when your heart is not there for the others, when your heart is with someone that you want to be with.. when you feelings are with that someone, you will find it hard to date someone else.
and even if you do, time will pass and soon enough you'll realize that you are living a lie. such a lie that you are giving to yourself, the one you want to be with and the others who thought you might have like them remotely. then you know, the person you are hurting the most is yourself. the confusion you inflicted upon is on the person you want to be with. then things changed. you felt as if you both cheated on each other because you know if you really want to be with that person, you wouldn't settle for anything less than that.
you demand the best. you deserve the best. and you keep the best for all the best [that is now and that are coming].
so one day, this bubble will burst; this lie will surface. and you both would be filled with anger, hate, jealousy, dissatisfaction, because you both know deep down inside, if you really want to be with that someone, you be there for him/her, no matter where you are, you know where your heart is. and you wouldnt settle for anything less. you would not want anyone else but the person you want to be with. you cannot be with anyone else because you know who you want to be with.
if you could, then it's just a lie. you don't really want to be with that person at all. so why hope? why give that person such confusion, such an idea of hypocrisy when you are not committed to be with that person at all?
and this is where and when i see through the lie. the bubble that we have been living in. the one that i could not live in it anymore. i could only have hope if you want to be with me; it doesnt matter if i want to be with you because that hope will gone into waste as it goes under-appreciated. so if you don't want to be with me, then why shall we have hope?
it is not logical at all. even for a matter of feelings. one must be decisive and polarized.
what's more, as i understand this, i also understand that i am not committed at all. every hypothesis/theory should be supported with evidence and practical application. the raison d'être is not justified on my part as well because as far as i want to be with you, there are certain things in life that i have not yet learn to let go. so do i really want to be with you? can i really commit too? and because that i couldn't answer to myself, it is better not to lie and say i know the answer now. i would only know the answer in the future. as far as hope-wise, i do hope that somehow we could get through all these and reach the destination; the process is not as important as the destination for me as i would do anything it takes to reach the destination. the details are important but none of the saddening events should be remembered as long as we are happy of the outcome of our destination, our goal - to be together.
and because of this logic, i do not want to be with you now. i dont even want to deal with this right now because either way it'd be a lie, a confusion or a struggle to stay committed, which none of us is ready for it at all.
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it's such naivety for me to ask for opinions sometimes when i think, when the day ends, the darker side in me search for the answers deep inside and i actually have no care for opinions. my answers are finite and decisive, based on the argument that i wholly depend on logic in all thing matters.
but sigh... there are moments of doubt. on very superficial things, fortunately?
long hair or short hair?
dye or not dye?
to be or not to be?
symbolism is such an underrated subject in the world that now it's call stigma.
hmmm.......
long hair is harder to maintain but easier to be romanticized.
short hair is like a declaration of independence, rock and roll and rebel on a look.
either way, i could have wigs.
the indecisiveness in deciding such matter is a good reason why i have stop trying to define my personality.
stereotyping myself is a futile attempt as i failed to fall into any general groups.
i could be blonde, i could be punk rock and i could be a man if i wanted to.
when, all things matters lies in a subjective view, it is crucial to be clear of oneself and steer the ship at owns will. because if not, our world can be easily be taken away and be controlled by other forces that we do not want.
same goes to freedom.
for liberty, happy anniversary to those who are liberated on the fall of berlin wall; and for all those who have suffered such war, and those who don't, rejoice! for liberty for your own being is priceless.
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i find it so weird that how i could relate to most writers. especially that have had a tough start in life.
a friend of mine said that i'm a gemini living in a pisces world.
pisces, as i know, being able to over-analyze and one of my closest friend is a pisces who i can relate to almost every situation in life.
it is connection like this that is scary.
undoubtedly, i have been raised like bourgeois with the closely knitted connection within my family. it was not until the 10th year [or so] of my life only i was partially separated from this connection. even still, i was still rather cultured in a way that i do think it makes me to appear older and more rebellious than my age. many things are more fascinating to me than playing dolls. then there were all the cartoons, movies - of which that make sense. I mean, seriously, WTF is that spongebob squarepants about? I have no fucking idea except that it looks kinda happy and cute. and WTF is that squirrel doing there? seriously?! this is the stuff you are letting your kids to watch?
i am going to show natGeo 24/7 to my kids because that's what i grew up in. well, and power rangers as well... i think it's a pretty good series coz you dont see much racism that is being dramatized in the 21st century. and then there is Confucius, which is my first source of philosophy. all these years, i don't fucking remember what kinda books they have tossed me but i guess it's pretty good as well. which... hmm... as this road goes down... J'aimerai boire, un verre, de boisson, de champagne. i am doing my best to reverse the bad. and what is this super ability of mine to see every tragedy as a blessing in disguise?
hmm.... god.
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| only a spotless mind will not feel pain.
only a spotless mind will not remember.
only a spotless mind knows.
only a spotless mind is happy.
only a spotless mind.
only a spotless mind.
only a spotless mind.
only a spotless mind.
only a spotless mind.
only a spotless mind.
only a spotless mind.
only a spotless mind.
only a spotless mind.
have eternal sunshine.
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| i think... i passed the stage where i need reassurance.
it was almost pointless to ask certain questions when i have thought it out so well.
on the both sides.
but i guess, i know who cares. and i want to know the reactions of those who care.  it's naive. i'm still childlike like that.
(~^.^)~ ~(^.^)~ ~(^.^~)
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