athenapinz's Xanga

random thoughts.

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 05:35:20 GMT

it's not complicated at all.
note to self if our subject are being brought up again:
you can't want to 'be with someone' and 'have hope' with that person while you are seeing someone else.
although figuratively speaking, it's cool. that, in terms of mind and heart, you belong to that person. but if you are, can you physically see someone else? if you can, isn't that cheating on yourself and the other person too? i mean, if you really want to be with someone, how could you see someone else?
loneliness and emptiness is just an excuse. we can all feel loneliness but we are never alone, not even since the day we are born.
i find this idea is too much a paradox and hypocrisy; that you want to be with someone but you can also see other ppl. based on the logic that, if you want to be with someone, you wouldn't want see anyone else. you would want no one but the person you want to be with. because no matter what you do with other people, you would just think of that person and you wouldn't want to hurt the one you want to be with. it is not logical at all to date other people when your heart is not there for the others, when your heart is with someone that you want to be with.. when you feelings are with that someone, you will find it hard to date someone else.
and even if you do, time will pass and soon enough you'll realize that you are living a lie. such a lie that you are giving to yourself, the one you want to be with and the others who thought you might have like them remotely. then you know, the person you are hurting the most is yourself. the confusion you inflicted upon is on the person you want to be with. then things changed. you felt as if you both cheated on each other because you know if you really want to be with that person, you wouldn't settle for anything less than that.
you demand the best. you deserve the best. and you keep the best for all the best [that is now and that are coming].
so one day, this bubble will burst; this lie will surface. and you both would be filled with anger, hate, jealousy, dissatisfaction, because you both know deep down inside, if you really want to be with that someone, you be there for him/her, no matter where you are, you know where your heart is. and you wouldnt settle for anything less. you would not want anyone else but the person you want to be with. you cannot be with anyone else because you know who you want to be with.
if you could, then it's just a lie. you don't really want to be with that person at all. so why hope? why give that person such confusion, such an idea of hypocrisy when you are not committed to be with that person at all?
and this is where and when i see through the lie. the bubble that we have been living in. the one that i could not live in it anymore. i could only have hope if you want to be with me; it doesnt matter if i want to be with you because that hope will gone into waste as it goes under-appreciated. so if you don't want to be with me, then why shall we have hope?
it is not logical at all. even for a matter of feelings. one must be decisive and polarized.
what's more, as i understand this, i also understand that i am not committed at all. every hypothesis/theory should be supported with evidence and practical application. the raison d'être is not justified on my part as well because as far as i want to be with you, there are certain things in life that i have not yet learn to let go. so do i really want to be with you? can i really commit too? and because that i couldn't answer to myself, it is better not to lie and say i know the answer now. i would only know the answer in the future. as far as hope-wise, i do hope that somehow we could get through all these and reach the destination; the process is not as important as the destination for me as i would do anything it takes to reach the destination. the details are important but none of the saddening events should be remembered as long as we are happy of the outcome of our destination, our goal - to be together.
and because of this logic, i do not want to be with you now. i dont even want to deal with this right now because either way it'd be a lie, a confusion or a struggle to stay committed, which none of us is ready for it at all.

-

it's such naivety for me to ask for opinions sometimes when i think, when the day ends, the darker side in me search for the answers deep inside and i actually have no care for opinions. my answers are finite and decisive, based on the argument that i wholly depend on logic in all thing matters.
but sigh... there are moments of doubt. on very superficial things, fortunately?
long hair or short hair?
dye or not dye?
to be or not to be?
symbolism is such an underrated subject in the world that now it's call stigma.
hmmm.......
long hair is harder to maintain but easier to be romanticized.
short hair is like a declaration of independence, rock and roll and rebel on a look.
either way, i could have wigs.
the indecisiveness in deciding such matter is a good reason why i have stop trying to define my personality.
stereotyping myself is a futile attempt as i failed to fall into any general groups.
i could be blonde, i could be punk rock and i could be a man if i wanted to.
when, all things matters lies in a subjective view, it is crucial to be clear of oneself and steer the ship at owns will. because if not, our world can be easily be taken away and be controlled by other forces that we do not want.
same goes to freedom.

for liberty, happy anniversary to those who are liberated on the fall of berlin wall; and for all those who have suffered such war, and those who don't, rejoice! for liberty for your own being is priceless.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 05:34:16 GMT

only a spotless mind will not feel pain.

only a spotless mind will not remember.

only a spotless mind knows.

only a spotless mind is happy.

only a spotless mind.

only a spotless mind.

only a spotless mind.

only a spotless mind.

only a spotless mind.

only a spotless mind.

only a spotless mind.

only a spotless mind.

only a spotless mind.

have eternal sunshine.

hmm...

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:33:24 GMT

i think... i passed the stage where i need reassurance.

it was almost pointless to ask certain questions when i have thought it out so well.

on the both sides.

but i guess, i know who cares. and i want to know the reactions of those who care. it's naive. i'm still childlike like that.

(~^.^)~ ~(^.^)~ ~(^.^~)

c'est si bon.

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 16:06:52 GMT

biological age CAN indeed catch up if one does not take care.

i'm feeling so old lately because i can hardly recover from multiple long days. and my favourite activity to do is sleep or rest as much as i can.

feel quite brain drained. brain > body but body is the one that feels tired

everything in life takes hard work to build up, then from there, it will soon be easy.

always remember, you get more chocolates if you wait. :D

speck.

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 17:03:08 GMT

je t'aime plus qu'hier moins que demains.

“We didn’t talk about anything heavy or light, we were just there together, and that was enough.” — The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky.

tu n'es pas mon amour cette jour, pas maintenant; peut-être demain.

tu comprenez ce dont j'ai besoin?

The difference.

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 18:08:41 GMT

the difference between J and I are sometimes very subtle but very crucial in a way.

J is able to feel more than I do. Agony, sadness, anger, happy, glee. All things emotional.

I couldn't. Or at least I know I have not been able to feel for a longer period.

Anger seems to be an emotion so detached to me that it is not more than just a word than an emotion. My emotions seem detached nowadays... as if someone else have fused into me and I have become rather diplomatic in feeling.

I wonder if I ever felt.

Right now, I know I couldn't feel anymore. Nothing extraordinary. I could be excited, happy, grateful, grumpy over a few situations... otherwise, it is monochrome.

On the other hand, J felt more than I did. The situations were uncannily similar. More emotions came from J than I; so here I am sitting on the other side, wondering... how could I not feel angry? J's anger was based on a firm foundation that the other party have did wrong by being indecisive and gave J unnecessary, unjustified hurt. Same as I. Yet, how come I don't feel angry? They messed us up. I should feel angry, I should feel hurt.

But I don't anymore.

It wasn't because of forgiveness. I suppose, it have to do with when I ceased to care, I have also ceased to let myself feel further. Everything works in a logical sense to me.

Even so, I feel the need to express my anger and my unjustified hurt as well... I'm not the one to be blame here, nor the one that should be taking the guilt trip.. I'm the one who have been victimize by one's indecisiveness, lack of common sense.

and as I quote J,
sure, we're both learning
we're all learning
but when common sense presents a chance, i seize it, and they don't
that's what fcked up.
and then my fault is to care abt their mistakes???
my fault was to be so giving at heart????
im supposed to smile that THAT happened?

i do smile that i realize things
prolly a lot more and a lot faster than they did
but im not smiling at the reasons for my hurt. my unnecessary, unjustified hurt
cuz to me, to say that i can, and will smile that THAT happened
is to make it okay
say, yeah, thanks for hurting me like fuck when i tried to make sense out of my love for you without much of ur help
cuz not only did it make me realize how much of an ungrateful btch u are, u made me go on medication and a few trips to the therapist too
-
It's not okay, ya know.

Not okay to be indecisive.

Not okay to hurt me.

We are all connected.

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:48:45 GMT

*THIS SONG IS SO AMAZING!!!*

Symphony of Science - 'We Are All Connected' (ft. Sagan, Feynman, deGrasse Tyson & Bill Nye)

[deGrasse Tyson]
We are all connected;
To each other, biologically
To the earth, chemically
To the rest of the universe atomically

[Feynman]
I think nature's imagination
Is so much greater than man's
She's never going to let us relax

[Sagan]
We live in an in-between universe
Where things change all right
But according to patterns, rules,
Or as we call them, laws of nature

[Nye]
I'm this guy standing on a planet
Really I'm just a speck
Compared with a star, the planet is just another speck
To think about all of this
To think about the vast emptiness of space
There's billions and billions of stars
Billions and billions of specks

[Sagan]
The beauty of a living thing is not the atoms that go into it
But the way those atoms are put together
The cosmos is also within us
We're made of star stuff
We are a way for the cosmos to know itself

Across the sea of space
The stars are other suns
We have traveled this way before
And there is much to be learned

I find it elevating and exhilarating
To discover that we live in a universe
Which permits the evolution of molecular machines
As intricate and subtle as we

[deGrasse Tyson]
I know that the molecules in my body are traceable
To phenomena in the cosmos
That makes me want to grab people in the street
And say, have you heard this??

(Richard Feynman on hand drums and chanting)

[Feynman]
There's this tremendous mess
Of waves all over in space
Which is the light bouncing around the room
And going from one thing to the other

And it's all really there
But you gotta stop and think about it
About the complexity to really get the pleasure
And it's all really there
The inconceivable nature of nature

*JAJAJA~ AMAZINGNESS~ I'M AT AWE.* :p

hair on my head.

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:35:49 GMT

i find it harder to part with my short hair than my long hair.

whenever i cut my long hair... i dont feel a thing. it's just a decision. i can always grow them back...

but... from short to long.. is a different story. i need to have patience to wait, to grow it and then groom it everyday.

if short hair are for styling, then long hair is for caring.

while waiting for it to grow long, i cannot go back to short short hair...

i'm going to miss my short hair... because i've decided to grow it back.
-
just a short rant on hair today. i wanted to write something about it.. working on it though. inspired by a vogue writer.
-

this whole hair thing... is like a phase for me. now it's almost as if, i'm recovering from this phase... like getting better from chemo. so actually it's a good thing than bad. yeah...

Autumn Rain.

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 10:21:15 GMT

Autumn in Malaysia is troublesome. :/ The air is hotter before it rains.

Anyhow, on my hiatus... I spend time chilling by the pool and pretend that I have nothing better to do... heh heh.

Slight la dolce vita for me before the rat race begins again.

I'm adapting pretty well into this new routine. Building the pace, setting into motion and organizing the priority and paying attention to my stress accordingly. Do understand that there is no instant gratification in our life; one needs time to digest everything.

On an unrelated note, I have a new phone that can take lousy pics now. :p

tres adore.

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 16:10:21 GMT

kyaaaah....

super like this tune and the song's not bad! reminds me of all me bourgeoisie friends. :p

Carpe Noctem: Discobitch - C'est Beau La Bourgeoisie

-
somehow, reassurance is a thing of the cosmic wonder. bringing the connection closer although it seem far away.
-

lately, i feel like editor of sorts

reading and editing.. i feel lazy though.. i dont know why. my mom ask me to write or become a writer/editor sth like that... why is she always telling me weird stuff?

i dont write well enough to start with... :p

-
space is definitely the thing for me to grow. must have been all the luxury that have been bestowed on me. moi? n'est pas bourgeoisie - me not one. there is no label to what kind of education or conditions that have brought me up; all i can say is that, it have been a good one.